We take up space. Our physical self is made up of matter with weight and size. As humans we begin to be aware of our impact on our environment pretty quickly in the first few months of our experience of being born. Prior to that, we take up space inside our mother. What I have observed is we strive to create autonomy and independence after about age 2. If you have ever struggled to get a toddler dressed, you understand they want to do things on their own. We are constantly coming up again limits to our physical space out in the world. We have an awareness of the boundaries the world creates for us. Part of increasing our understanding of the larger world and our place in it is to recognize where we end and something or someone else starts. Setting up boundaries will be about communicating what we are comfortable with and what makes us feel less comfortable. Consider that the physical and material boundaries include touch, space, what our needs are and then what things belong to us in terms of stuff.
We consider some level of autonomy over our bodies when we start to become aware of having a separate body from those around us. It is more common now to consider consent when it comes to touching someone else’s body. There has been a significant movement to teach children that they get to decide whether they want to be touched. When I was growing up there was less of a push for me to have a voice about how I was allowed to be touched. Depending on your culture, being hugged or kissed was at the discretion of the adults who were in charge of you. In the case of abuse, there are no limits to how someone touches your body. The psychological implications are that you might feel like you don’t have any control over what happens to your body or yourself. In the case of familial interactions, when I was younger it was required to greet family with hugs and kisses. There wasn’t a whole lot of choice in the matter. I do appreciate now that we are asking little kids if we can give them an embrace or kiss them. Things are changing in how we teach kids what is appropriate touch and what they want. There is more information about the negative implications of physical punishment when it comes to parenting. There is also more information about how to help kids regulate their emotions and behavior by being aware of their own capacity for engagement. There are plenty of examples of people inappropriately crossing physical boundaries with touch both intentional and unintentional. I think about being a crowded train or bus where people are up against you and there isn’t much room for choice in the matter. There is always the choice of taking a different bus or train.
We also consider the idea of personal space when it comes to the physical boundary. We think about the space we take up as a human. We consider the space we occupy with our body as well as with our stuff. I think about sitting in the same seat at work or at school. We take a certain ownership of spaces with time. I had a favorite seat in class and a place I liked to study. When we share space with other people it takes time to get used to how and where those people also interact with the space. When we bring a baby or even a new animal into a space it takes a period of adjustment to incorporate their bodies and the stuff they come with. In new relationships or friendships, the lines of space get blurred initially and with time, our need for space can be more evident. We don’t always pay attention at first to our needs. What we do pay attention to is our level of anxiety or distress that comes from having a new person in our environment. Working with new parents and with couples, I helped them increase their awareness around when and how they feel with someone else in their physical space. There are times when it feels comfortable and good to have someone in your space and other times when it can feel overwhelming. I know for me; I only have a certain capacity for some people in my space. I can build up a tolerance, but it takes time. Growing up in a large family, there was very little personal space from other humans. Now that I have been single and living alone, I recognize my need for more space from people.
The way we communicate our needs for space, touch and what our capacity is will come with having an awareness of what it feels like to either have it or what it feels like not to have it. We don’t always know what our needs are in that regard. It is also helpful to recognize the meaning we assign to certain types of physical interactions. Certain places and people can feel safe and comforting. Other spaces and people can feel off putting and triggering. Our capacity for these spaces and how we feel in them changes over time. We can lose an affinity for a place based on what has taken place there and what our level of healing and growth is. It is fundamental to be aware of how you feel in a space and with the people who are around. You can have more tolerance in places when you have someone with you or at certain times of the day. If you are going into a space that can be triggering it might be useful to ask for a support person. It would also be helpful to remind yourself of your goal in being in the space. Once you become accustomed to asking for your needs it does get easier. Increasing your awareness of that you have needs then makes it easier to ask for them. There is a certain level of power that comes from overcoming fear and anxiety in spaces that used to cause discomfort. It is also helpful to recognize the facts of a new perspective with growth and healing.
As physical beings we take up space and we have the right to do so. We can start to be aware of what taking up space means and how we want to do that. As we become more independent and feel more confident, how we take up space feels more like a right than a privilege. When we can determine our capacity for having others in a space, we can communicate our expectations and feel more empowered to do so. Working past our Codependency looks like taking up space on purpose and feeling good about doing it. When we come from a place a loving ourselves, we are less concerned with how our presences effects other people. We can simply be present. We have the ability to set boundaries to protect our peace and ask for our needs.
Regarding our material boundaries, it is important to recognize what things mean to us. How attached are we to these things. Where we keep these things. Do these things bring us joy. How do we feel when they are touched or moved by other people. Think about the items you hold as prized possessions, are they displayed? Do they have the same meaning they once held? People can be particular about their things and can have undeclared boundaries about their things. When we move in with someone, we can start to increase our awareness of what things mean to us. We also become aware of how our space is oriented has meaning. We can become territorial about which way the toilet paper goes or where we put the cheese grater. When we end something or move into different spaces, holding on to things can change. If we lose things suddenly, it can create anxiety or panic. We get to decide what things we hold sacred and what things we don’t care as much about. A childhood toy can have more significance than an expensive bag or pair of shoes. It is important to make people aware of what is important to you so they can treat it with respect. If you find that you are holding resentment for how someone treats your items, that is a place where a boundary can be useful. The boundary is less about the other person and more about what your need is and how it makes you feel.
Much of how we feel about ourselves is about how we take up space on the planet. Although in the grand scheme of things we are but small pieces of a much larger system, we still have meaning and a place. How we interact with the environment and the meaning we give to that environment is significant. It becomes vital to feel like we have power over our body and things we cherish in these spaces. Communicating our needs both for our physical being and our things becomes our responsibility. Letting the people we interact with our desire for space to process is a way for us to manage our sense of peace. Attending to our peace should be the goal. As we continue to feel worthy and deserving, we are collecting more peace. Setting limits with the people around us to address how they interact with our physical being and our stuff is up to us with the intention of taking care of ourselves. The job of maintaining our wellbeing is our responsibility. The process of communicating those needs and expectations comes practice, we get better at it when we use that skill.
Things to consider:
What do we need to take care of our physical needs?
Who does a good job of respecting our physical boundaries and who is more challenging?
What behaviors from other people make us uncomfortable and how can we set limits with those people around those behaviors?
How can we teach the people around us to communicate their needs and expectations?
How do you know when you have reached your capacity for having people in your space?
What items do you have that are meaningful and important to you?