Doing the work of being aware of your Codependency is, at times, labor intensive. There is so much processing that takes place from the past, present and future. The heart and mind are working double time to look at where you have been and what you have been through while also looking at what behavior you are engaging in currently. There is much to be learned from what you have been through. The goal is to be kind to yourself through the process. While considering what is happening right now. Most people tend to avoid looking at hard things within themselves. It is, sometimes, easier to look at what other people are doing. We can get distracted from our own healing when we are uncomfortable. I can tell you, for me, I have struggled to spend so much time in my own head and emotions.
The challenge comes from recognizing what the pay off is from helping and taking care of people. We do what we are used to doing. It is helpful to look at where that patten of behavior originated. Often, the taking care of people or meeting other people’s needs comes from seeking security or safety. We will do what we can to avoid discomfort in the form of conflict or distress. If you were to look at your childhood or last significant relationship, what was communication like? Were you able to ask for your needs and were they met? In other sections, we talk about trauma or addiction as a source of needing to fit expectations of others. When you think about behaviors to seek approval or acceptance in relationship, what were you doing or what was happening around you? For me there was a need to make sure I was doing the most to hopefully not have to deal with a blow up. I was controlling everything I could so that I didn’t disappoint someone else. There were times when my anxiety was very high anticipating that someone else was going to be angry, anxious, hurt or mad. If they were in anyway having a negative emotion, I wasn’t doing enough. When thinking about how much effort I was putting in, I didn’t even consider that they were allowed to feel the way they did.
We will make ourselves a martyr to the other person’s needs. In doing so, we can get resentful when they aren’t putting the same amount of effort in. We become bitter and frustrated because they still aren’t seeing our efforts and not having the right feelings about the situation. There is also the likelihood that we didn’t actually avoid anything. We are still having to deal with the negative emotions or outcome. In talking with a friend while on a trip, we recognized the ease of trusting the other person and not having to manage them. In the past, when traveling with family, she and I would have to preplan things, make arrangements and reservations in order to avoid the other person’s disappointment or anxiety. What we recognized is we would have our own anxiety thinking about whether the other people were enjoying the experience and we weren’t actually enjoying our own experiences. It does take the fun out of things when you have take the lead all the time.
I think about the people I have fun with. I think about relationships that are effortless. I know that I have people in my life that I can trust to take either the lead or can take care of their own feelings and can communicate their needs. I consider the people who are good at being aware of their own energy and emotional wellbeing. I like when they can tell me no about things they don’t want to do or having space for. It helps me then be able to pivot and change plans for myself. I feel more secure when someone is willing to tell me in words what their needs are so I am not guessing what the outcome will be. It is easier to hold space or give time to them and not manage it. Since I was very young, I had to consider several potential outcomes and mange several possible emotional reactions, many of which were not my own.
Things to consider:
In current relationships, are there people you trying to manage?
Are you considering what the outcome will be if you don’t do the most?
Who are the people in your experience that you can trust to manage themselves?
What would it be like to give them the space to have their own emotions about a situation?