100 days
Lonely is hard. I have had some long, lonely days. I have been stuck by the pounding silence in my own head. All the thoughts and feelings I avoided with people and plans came rushing forward. I was used to calling friends and making plans. I was hit with all the things about myself that I kept hidden away. I ran away from all the different versions of me. I had to look at each of them and ask them what they needed and what made them sad, angry, and insecure. I had to make time to love them individually. I want to see them so I can heal them.
Rest is necessary. I have slept more in the last 100 days than I have ever. I succumbed to the overwhelming fatigue of the past several years of doing. I had to learn how to just be. I surrendered to my body and mind working at overtime to run a business and helping humans. I leaned into the quiet. I found some days were spent just resting. I created soft places for my bones to relax. I moved slowly and intentionally cared for the parts of me that were held to a standard of productivity.
Gratitude for where I am from. I sat in the lack of desert vistas. I longed for warm tortillas and hot chile. I missed the mountain views. I recognized what I took for granted in the Spanish street names and local flavors. I missed the nods of greeting and nomenclature of getting down and putting gas. I strained to hear coyotes on the mesa when the sun goes down. Even the chirp of the cicadas was different. As fall started, I longed to smell the roasting of green chile on street corners. I wanted to see the leaves change along the banks of the Rio Grande.
Awareness of my own needs. I started to pay attention to what my needs were. Outside of the basics like food and toilet paper, I recognized that I need long walks to get the energy out. I increased my awareness of grooming like doing my nails and managing my hair. I identified that I do better when I know what my surroundings are. I like a good bakery and enjoy certain stores over others. I identified landmarks. I feel more secure when I turn off all the lights at the end of the night. I do better when I have a variety of snacks.
Silence is medicine. I am inclined into fill space with sound. When I just let the silence be, I can hear my thoughts better. I realize my intuition is heightened when I am still and quiet. I feel better after some time with no sound. I can clear my head more easily. I can calm my nervous system with little stimulation. When I get overwhelmed and over stimulated, its helpful to just unplug and be still.
Routine is important. I do things in methodical way. I like a clean kitchen. I have a rhythm when I get up in the morning and get ready for bed. I like to see order. I appreciate predictability. Even when I travel, I have rituals. I lean into what is familiar. I can be in a new environment but feel secure when I have my few things visible and accessible. I can adjust more easily when I can control my approach.
Exploration is grounding. I enjoy taking adventures. I get a better sense of my surroundings by getting out in them. I can ground when I know what is around me. I go further out into the space with each new outing. I like to seek our landmarks and signs to help me navigate a new place. I feel more attached to a place when I know the terrain. A wrong turn can be an opportunity to find a new favorite.
Trusting myself is key. I am doing a better job of being aware of what I know to be true about myself. I have a wide knowledge of my experiences. I can rely on my ability to get through hard things. I have collected enough data to know what I can tolerate. It has been helpful to push myself a little further know that I can get into and out of challenging situations. I am able to predict my reactions in unfamiliar circumstances because I have done different things. I feel more secure in my skills.
Celebrating the small wins. It took three separate attempts to find the post office, but that third time felt really good when I located it and bought stamps. I relished in figuring out the bus and metro system. I walked around the same block a few times before I figured out how to get back to my apartment. I smiled when I recognized which pharmacy had the nice lady who spoke English and was very helpful. I felt very accomplished when I navigated through the deluge back to the bus stop soaked but happy. I appreciated figuring out how to order the best chicken sandwich in Athens. I took pride in being able to take my sister and friends to the best place to see the city. Though small accomplishments, they taught me I could figure out a foreign place well.
Pivot with the changes. There have been a few times through the past 100 days that threw me off. I could have given up. I could have turned around the walked away. I chose to pivot. I chose to keep going. I chose to recognize that I can with the changes and see what happens. I have learned that changes to my plan are the way the Universe challenges me to grow. It’s never going to be easy but it will be worth it to adjust. I create my own heartbreak when I hold on to the expectation of outcomes. If I go with the change I get to new place. Roll with it and find new skills.
Horizons and coastlines bring me peace. Growing up in the desert, I longed for water. Every time I make it to the edge of the land, I get an opportunity to reset. I love feeling small in the face of a huge body of water. I feel the stress and tension leave my body into the surf. Living in a tight space of high-rise apartments, I have gained a new appreciation for horizons and wide-open spaces. I appreciate being able to see far off into the horizon. I gives me a sense of calm knowing that I have more to see and get to. I have had the pleasure of being on boats recently and it makes me happy to see where I have been and where I am going.