Grief
We are always in a state of change. The thing about change is that it is often accompanied by loss. Loss a hard thing for humans. We get so attached. We get attached to people, things, situations and identity. Like the magic of Velcro and magnets we are drawn to attach and hold on tight. Part of it is how we are raised. Part of it is the nature of human’s need to make meaning of things. When faced with change and loss we feel a level of disruption that feels like dying. How I have often described grief is like shattering every part of you down to your foundation missing big parts of who you once were. The goal of working through grief is to put yourself back together without the missing pieces. This process can feel overwhelming and takes time. There is an instinct to avoid it. The feeling of loss can trigger a desire to avoid feelings all together. Best described as waves of emotions that can take you down over and over. Sometimes they come out of nowhere.
What I have learned both professionally and personally is, the only way to heal is to work through it. Even when we put it off or ignore it, the feelings linger. When helping clients, one of the best things is to have a group of people around to help support you. In the first year, it will feel like a blur and you’re walking through quicksand. Depending on the level of loss, you might not want to make any big decisions for a while. Unfortunately, there will be decisions to make. Most people react from either intense emotion or a stoic numb place. I have heard, and it has been my own experience that after the initial loss, there is a period of amnesia as the body doesn’t form firm memories when dealing with significant pain.
Something to consider is that each person will deal with loss from their own perspective and in their own way. There is no one “correct” way to deal with grief. Things like relationship, proximity and connection all influence how the individual processing their feelings of loss. The most challenging is not knowing what to expect. That said, loss is universal.
What I know to be true is that the things the help with processing loss are time and space. Grief can feel really big when you’re in the middle of it. Some days you might feel like you’re doing well and getting through ok and others it will feel like the walls are caving in. The initial challenges are anything from taking and making phone calls and telling people about the loss. It can create anxiety and avoidance of doing simple tasks. There will be several periods of sadness and feeling unsure about what life looks like without that person, idea, title or identity. There is a time when you will have to redefine much of what you thought you knew. It will be helpful to take some space from people or even the environment you have been in to adjust to your new normal. The time can feel like an eternity. It does end and it does get better. It is helpful to give yourself grace and patience through the rough parts.
The new normal takes time to define. Many people comment on not knowing who they are or how they fit in their world after a significant loss. This feeling doesn’t last forever. The truth is nothing is ever permanent. Every cell in our bodies changes over time. The things we thought we were or were so important to us once, eventually shift and evolve. With new experiences, we adapt to what is happening around us. After losing someone or something that once contributed to our identity, we will have an opportunity to reevaluate what we like, what is important to us and how we want to show up in the world. When done with intention can create healing and freedom.
I encourage people to recognize other times in their lives when they felt loss and grief. They can take that information to use the helpful parts to deal with the current situation. It is important to find the resilience they once used to get through the current situation or challenge. There is also an opportunity to honor and appreciate how far they have come. It is a good idea to work through the sadness finding positive memories and acknowledge the life or experiences rather than focusing solely on the loss. This helps to balance out the hurt and grief. There will be periods of feeling stuck on one thought of feeling. This is normal and part of the process. As time passes the periods of intensity lessen and there will be longer times of respite.
The truth is grief and loss happen. They are the product of living life attached to other people, ideas and identities. With time, things change. It is part of living. Acknowledge and process the emotions and it will get a little easier. Ignore or avoid it and it will get harder with each loss. When we deal with the emotions, even when it is really hard, there is healing. The pain is less intense and before you know it, you will find your way back to living. The moments can be rough, but they are just moments.