There are so many parts of who we are and who we have been and also who we want to be. In talking with clients, there is often the struggle with angel and demon on our shoulders. What I know to be true is they are two halves to the same us. Usually being the past and the future. Who we are today is the person in the middle. In my travels and even before I left, I was in a struggle with old versions of me, the current state I was in, and who I was working toward. The struggle was happening in real time, day in and day out. When I was in these places, I was in a place of compassion for the past versions of me. I was more invested in who I was in the moment. I wasn’t too concerned with the future, probably for the first time ever in experience. Loving all of me, all of my parts was happening, including my demons.
The demon part of us is less of the traditional negative, or evil part, and more of those unhealed parts of who we are. They are the unhelpful coping skills. Those immediate reactions or go to skills that give us distraction or fleeting relief from the discomfort of the moment. While I was away, I didn’t have the old skills of reacting from anger, eating unhealthy food, drinks with friends, or meaningless sex. Those were the skills I would use when I needed to change a feeling. Or more importantly, not feel. I didn’t recognize that in the moment all the time. Sometimes, I would just do it. When I was away and in a foreign environment, I had to be more conscious of what I was putting in my body. I didn’t have my friends to distract me because, either they were in a different time zone, or they weren’t in my life anymore. I didn’t have the former roster of sex partners. I had detached from those people completely. It became clear I was totally just me and living in the moment. I was learning how to just be. The moments moved more slowly. The present was super clear. Clean.
Being in my own head and alone meant that I had time to reflect on the old parts of me. Doing the writing of where my codependency came from meant, I had to look my former selves. I had to take out my old tools and skills and look at them. I was looking from a nonjudgemental place. I was having compassion for those former parts of myself. Compassion was not my go to. I rarely had enough awareness to give myself mercy. I had often held myself to a standard that was set by my parents. I had to be the best at things. I had no chill. I had to be productive and be worthy of the very little love, acceptance and validation. Now that it was just me, I was giving that to myself. I was looking at these tools and seeing if they still fit in these new environments. In Greece, I was letting go of the idea of productivity as the only method of existing. It took weeks to detach from having to get something done everyday to be worthy of rest. I just rested. I enjoyed days of exploring and being present. I allowed myself to cry. I gave myself permission to grieve the things and people I left behind. I spent time healing the parts of me that were wounded along the way to get to where I was. I started to let go of the idea that I needed to fill the silence, I just sat in it.
By the time I got to Ireland, I was better at it. I had made friends with the demons that I had before. I didn’t need to do things in the same way because I was more grounded in the me, I was becoming. I hadn’t been holding on so tightly to the past version of me. With compassion and grace, I was able to forgive the parts of me that easily gave into disrespecting the precious girl I had been when those skills came in to being. I was able to hold those parts of with tenderness and appreciation. I was grateful for them taking care of me and keeping me safe. That is all our coping skills are doing. They are trying to keep us from hurting. The hard part is sometimes, keeping us safe does not allow us to feel the sadness or loneliness. I know that when I was angry or reactive, I was trying to keep myself safe by hurting the people around me. When I was eating unhealthy food, I was distracting myself with a quick fix. The hook ups were about feeling the immediate gratification of a quick hit of oxytocin in the moment. I could get the hit and keep going. I hadn’t put it together that I was fulfilling the preconceived idea that I was unworthy of healthy love and connection. Once I had connected that love and sex went well together, I was in another country and alone. I had to give myself permission to allow those two feelings to be partners in how I receive love. The “demon” was perpetuating the idea that I was unworthy, unlovable, incapable of having it. That was a big realization for me.
By the time I got to Italy, I was securely grounded and attached to me. I felt good about the body I was in. I trusted myself more. I had gotten through the first six months of travel and writing. I had looked at and loved all of my parts without judgement. I felt good about who I was and who I had been. I believed in what I was creating. I had been on planes, boats, busses and trains. I could navigate my way through all of these places on my own. I was able to see that I had gotten through 49 years of so many ups and downs with lots of great successes. All the failures were lessons. I trusted my intuition. I trusted my higher self in a way that felt like trusting an old friend that they were going to be there no matter what. I didn’t have to fight it. I just had to allow it. I was talking to myself like I was someone I loved. I didn’t feel that conflict that I used to have between my past, present and future. I was at peace. That feeling is and was so different than any other way I had felt. Now that I knew was it was, I could call upon it. I would need to have that feeling to be familiar for what was coming up when I got home.