I was talking with a client once who was struggling with setting boundaries with his coworkers. He talked about how they all offer different levels of contribution to the projects they are working on. He processed his frustration with one of his team mates specifically. He processed having resentment and anger with him consistently. We talked with curiosity about why he cares so much how this other person works. He processed considering how much he does and wants the same level of commitment from his coworker. We talked more about the other things this person contributes. He processed recognizing that they have been going through some things lately and how the projects often get done and they are contributing equally in different ways. We talked about how it might be helpful if he started to care less without being careless.
I loved this idea because often we are super invested in the outcome and we miss the point of how people are showing up or why they are doing what they are doing or, in this case, not doing. He was able to see his coworker for the human he is and not just someone who isn’t pulling his own weight. We can do this more often with people we care about. Think about the people you are holding resentment toward and why. It is likely that you are holding on to expectations based on what you have given or done and how it isn’t being reciprocated in the way you want. I encourage clients to read The Four Agreements (Ruiz, D. M. 2001)₁. In the book Mr. Ruiz talks about not taking things personally as one of the agreements. It is more challenging than it sounds but super helpful as a practice. Often, people are just doing the best they can and they don’t do things to us, generally. They are just trying to get through like the rest of us. It is our expectations that create disappointment and eventually resentment.
We can start to be aware of what we are expecting and work to be more realistic about those. We can also start to see the person we have the expectations from as a human being going through their own experience. We can care about them from a place of genuine empathy. We can put ourselves in their position and have compassion without having unrealistic or unhelpful expectations of how we want them to show up. Here is where the idea of addiction is helpful. The foundation of ALANON is structured around the 12-step model and how I became very aware of my Codependency. I attended a meeting while I was in my master’s program as a cultural experience. There were lots of things I didn’t like about going to the meeting but there were also some helpful things. The concept that an addict “should” get better because we love them or because we do all these extra things is so unhelpful for both us and the addict. We can care about someone with an addiction issue and also detach from the outcome of them getting better. Addiction is not about other people. It is about the person who is struggling with their own issues. It will be challenging but helpful to care less about their behavior and focus on what we can control.
It will be a practice to start to see the individuals around us as separate from us or what we do for them. When we are practicing caring less about what happens and focusing on what we can actually control, things get a bit clearer. This will be helpful with the people close to us. We care about our partners, parents, family, friends, and children but is it our job to care about what they are choosing to do. Now obviously, with our children, their development is a key factor in this. With adults, we can care a little less about what they are choosing to do and still be supportive. Think about the last time you became super invested in what someone you loved or cared about was doing or choosing. How often did you take on the worry, anger or anxiety about it? People are out here making themselves sick about what other people are doing. That’s not helpful to you or them. This is an opportunity to care less and still be present and supportive. I encourage clients to acknowledge the feelings people are having and to be helpful when and if called about to do so but not before. I like the metaphor of the light house; it is a beacon of light indicating the shore but the skilled sailor is responsible for getting there. A skilled sailor only learns from going through the storm.
This concept is very important when it comes to our children. They need to have skills to function in the world with and without you. It’s hard to think about our precious infants without us. As we know, infants quickly grow into toddlers, school kids and then teenagers. For them to be successful, they will need to navigate the world without us. They will have to learn how to weather some storms on their own. Our goal is to encourage our children to be kind, caring and conscious of others. We also want them to be confident in their own abilities. The best way to do this is to give them space to figure things out with our guidance but not hovering the whole time. The concept of helicopter parents is real. I have heard some pretty unhelpful things parents have done in the name of caring for their children. Those parents are often overwhelmed and frustrated when their teenager or preteen is doing everything in their power to detach. Imagine a teenager acting like a three-year-old with acne and bad attitude.
Taking this idea a step further, think about those people in your life who are super invested when you are struggling but aren’t really around when you are doing well or even great. They might be a little codependent on your drama and struggle. I had a client who was working on herself and making serious progress on her boundaries. She was noticing that one of her friends was less interested in talking about her successes, but she would often ask about the things that had been challenges. There are some people in our lives who only care when they can “help” or “fix”. If you have these people in your life, this would be a good time to set a boundary with them. When we are talking with friends we may want to be specific in asking for what we need in terms of space to vent or just to talk about the challenge. We will talk more about boundaries later but asking for your needs this way is a good one to start with people we care about and want to keep around.
We can be caring and compassionate about what other people are going through. I encourage you to keep managing your expectations about how people care about you. If you need something specific, ask for it. If you want help, say that. Pay attention to your resentment and frustration with the people you care for as well. There are ways to care for people that aren’t going to cost you energy or effort. You can send them a little note. You can let them know you are available when and if they want support. You can give them some options of what you are willing to do to support them. I like the word support because it is less action specific but it feels nice none the less.
Things to consider:
What are then relationships that is challenging for you?
What are your expectations of that dynamic?
Can these people be going through their own things that have nothing to do with you?
What are you doing do care about them, and what are they actually asking for?
Can you change the expectation of that relationship that includes compassion and grace rather than just fixing or helping?
1. Ruiz, M. (2001). The four agreements: A practical guide to personal freedom. Amber-Allen Publishing.