Do you ever feel the emotions of the person you are with? Maybe you’re having coffee or a meal with someone and you recognize they are feeling down or excited about something? Can you tell when your partner or child is dealing with something heavy? You may be having an empathetic response to their feelings. We all have the ability to connect with people on this level. It is in our natural ability to identify how other people feel. From the time we are born, we start to gauge other people’s emotional response. Some people are more skilled at being aware of what other people are going through. The more experiences we have, the better are able to connect. The more closely bonded we are to people, the more we are able to know with some certainty what is going on with them. In ideal circumstances this is a great tool to use to help build connection. The challenge or dilemma is when we are not in ideal circumstances. Many children who grew up in chaos and trauma have learned to over identify with the emotions in a space and react accordingly.
Our ability to connect emotionally is not just human in nature. Other animals have the ability to gauge emotions. Dogs are notorious for being able to recognize when their humans are having a hard time. The same can be said for cats, although, to a lesser degree. Many times, animals will respond to their humans by coming closer and being present. When there is tension or stress, animals might hide away. Children respond in the same way. Small children are seen on playgrounds and in classrooms reacting to their friends empathetically when they are laughing or dealing with big emotions. As adults we might cry when our close people are struggling. Our mirror neurons are stimulated when we share space with other people and creatures.
The challenge comes when we try to fix or change the situation. The maladaptive reaction is when we change our behavior or choices based on someone else’s emotional experience. Now the idea of changing what we do to help someone is not inherently bad. It is when we do it to try to control someone else’s emotional response. The idea of control can be tricky. We don’t think we are controlling someone else’s emotions. We are just trying to help. Is it possible that helping isn’t helpful? Think about the phrase “I don’t want them to feel…”. I have heard clients often say this in hopes of helping their partner, child, boss or someone in their experience not have a negative reaction or feeling. The challenge is they might not be helping. It would help to recognize that we are going to feel how we feel. They are going to feel how they feel. Our emotional response is usually based on our own experience, history and circumstance. Our feelings are valid and part of how we process things. When we try to avoid the other people from having those emotions, we are limiting their ability to work through them. That said, it is a different thing all together when are intentionally doing things to hurt people or manipulate them.
We have a very limited amount of control over our other emotions, let alone over someone else’s. It would be important to build understanding and communication around an emotional response. Having empathy is an opportunity to ask questions and get a better understanding about someone else’s experience. We have our own lens by which we see emotions that can be expanded by other people’s experience. An example would be someone dealing with grief around losing a pet. If you have never had a pet, that might something difficult to relate to. If you have lost a friend or someone close to you, you could have some empathy for them. It might be an opportunity to ask what the pet meant to them. The same could be true for someone who lost a job or didn’t get into a program. If you haven’t had that experience, you could talk to them about how it feels to have to change their plans.
I often have used the example with people of considering teaching a child to walk. When toddlers start to stand on their own and take their first steps, it can be very scary but exciting for parents. It is our nature to want to keep them safe, protecting them from sharp corners or steep falls. It is also exciting to see them gain confidence and explore their environment taking tentative steps forward. The best way for children to learn how to walk is by letting fall and then get up. The same would be true for our people having feelings, even hard ones and allowing them to work through the feelings. As empathetic beings, we tend to want avoid hard feelings; sadness, grief, hurt, anxiety, worry, sorrow, anger. The reality is all of these are part of the human experience. Going through these feelings help build resilience. Just like the toddler, it helps them get back up and try again.
Some people are driven by a need to save, fix or rescue people they love. They are compelled to want to be the hero or fixer in the relationship. These people have the best of intentions, and we are all guilty of it to some degree. Consider when talking to a friend or partner and they are telling us about a problem or challenge they are experiencing, do we feel the need to start problem solving or offering solutions? Think about your close friends and those who like to be around for the drama or to hear about issues. Are you that friend? This concept of being a fixer isn’t inherently bad. It can be challenging because we want to keep the people around us from being uncomfortable or minimize their suffering. We don’t really have the ability to do that. People will suffer and be uncomfortable. We can be present for them and offer solutions, but it is better when we are asked to do so. Often, our people need support and to vent more than anything. It is a good communication practice to ask or clarify what your person needs when they are talking about challenges. If they are asking for space to vent, then give them that. If they are asking for support or empathy, then provide that space rather than jumping to the rescue trying to fix the issue offering solutions.
Something to pay attention to is how we adapt our behavior to limit someone else’s response. Think about how we avoid saying things to people because we are worried about their reaction. Consider how we sometimes agree to watching something or eat where someone wants to, to avoid having an argument. This starts to be a problem when we begin to lose our voice or what we like to minimize conflict. Consider not arguing with a two-year-old about what we are having for lunch even if they have eaten chicken nuggets for the fifth day in a row. Now think about that two-year-old being your fifty-year-old partner. What are we teaching them about who you are and what your needs are? How are we controlling or limiting their experience by often giving in? How are you limiting your own experience by giving in to someone else’s needs or wants?
Take some time to think about your relationships.
Who do you connect with more on an emotional level?
Are there times when you try to limit their experience of emotions?
Are there times when you are limiting your own needs to avoid a reaction?
What would happen if you just held space for them to have their feelings without trying to fix or avoid their reaction?